


String of Truth and Lies

by Myka



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sad, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:49:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21639103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myka/pseuds/Myka
Summary: Three years after Ash's death Eiji shows up at Blanca's doorstep.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Blanca/Lee Yut-Lung, Blanca/Natasha Kalsavina, Blanca/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 30
Kudos: 71
Collections: The Not-Asheiji Bang 2019





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this originally for smut week, then it got turned into NotAshEiji bang fic *glances at tags*. It's been extremely difficult to write. I have cried so much writing this fic. 
> 
> Takes place after Eiji's catatonia ended.
> 
> Thanks to Agentcoop for beta.

Blanca sits quietly on the living room sofa. The old ceiling fan creaks loudly, as though its bolts might unhinge at any second, causing it to fall to the floor.

“It’s warm here.”

He looks up when Eiji speaks, watching the other man sip at the small cup of tea. It’s still hot enough that steam is rising up, but Eiji grips it confidently with both hands, the smooth pads of his fingers rubbing against the mug.

It has been three years since Blanca had seen the young Japanese man. Three years since he’d left New York, three years since he’d returned to his secluded home among the trees and mosquitoes.

Pursing his lips, Blanca raises his own cup to his mouth, lips resting on the porcelain, but not drinking. There are very few people alive who know where he lives, and yet Eiji had turned up on his doorstep, finding him easily.

He was certain who it was who’d revealed his location, and Blanca wonders if perhaps, a visit was in store.

Either way, Eiji’s presence means it was time to move on again.

“It’s always warm here,” Blanca finally answers, finally sipping at his own tea. It’s grown cold.

“Is that why you cut your hair?” Eiji’s voice is listless, but steady, no movement at all.

Blanca prides himself on reading people’s feelings when they speak, and he’s almost always able to discern their motives. People that hide things within them always have a unique way of speaking, and Blanca is always able to see behind those masks, despite their real motives being hidden beneath calm shells. But Eiji gives him nothing. He is nothing more and nothing less than what Blanca sees. As if he were an empty shell.

Blanca purses his lips. “Part of the reason.”

Putting the tea back down on the table, Eiji pushes it away from himself. The long strands of his hair fall down to frame his face and he pushes some of it behind his ears.

“You look different with long hair,” Blanca comments.

Eiji glances up and rubs a strand of hair between his fingertips. “I no longer feel like cutting it. I can’t find any reason to.”

Blanca grips the arm of his chair at the statement. This is different. _So_ different. Three years ago, Blanca had watched as a doe-eyed boy tried to plant his feet and stand in the midst of a world he had no place in. Blanca had never understood back then why Ash had decided to keep Eiji by his side. The boy was a weakness, and Ash was better without him. Safer without him. Nothing good could come of them being together, and Blanca had warned him. He’d seen trouble brewing from the moment he’d first laid eyes on Eiji on that ferry, to the next instant whenAsh took a stance to protect him.

He didn’t want to try and understand. He too had chosen to protect someone, he’d already made this same mistake, and it had almost destroyed him. There was no chance that he’d allow Ash to do the same.

But none of it had mattered.

Ash had decided this boy was more important. He decided he was worth every risk. Every weakness.

He was certainly one of the reasons Ash had died.

Blanca will never forget the moment he was informed; the day, the hour, the very minute—it was all permanently etched into the surface of his mind. Ash’s death.

Oddly enough, it was Yue who’d told him. He’d called Blanca out of the blue, and only waited for Blanca’s casual ‘hello’ before he’d delivered the news, sounding uncharacteristically melancholy.

Blanca didn’t believe it at first. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that someone he’d trained could be killed so easily. He’d spent weeks searching for evidence that Ash Lynx had faked his own death, and forged on with a new identity, but all he’d turned up was a fresh grave and a tear-and-blood stained letter.

Blanca hated being right.

Seven years ago, when Dino’s strange offer to train his protege came, Blanca immediately wanted to reject it. He was in the business of killing, not nurturing. No matter how much of a genius Dino claimed the child to be, Blanca wanted no part of it. Few survived in Blanca’s world. People like him were different. They thought different. Lived different.

They were soulless monsters, and there was no way that Blanca wanted to be responsible for creating another one. Blanca never once liked Dino, but he respected him. The man had money and power that took you anywhere in this world.

He still doesn’t know why he agreed to take that first meeting, only that as soon as he saw Ash, he felt a connection with the boy that was impossible to ignore.

Ash was different too.

Ash was wild, and unruly, and so smart it was terrifying.

After meeting Ash, Blanca knew why Dino had offered to pay him double what he usually asked for taking a life. Blanca had built a life around violence, blood, and death. This was a chance to leave something beautiful behind, to leave something other than darkness. He’d take everything he knew of this world, everything he was and pass it on to this child.

And that child was now dead.

He regrets it.

He regrets it every day.

For months after Ash had died, Blanca was plagued with nightmares that pulled him out of sleep breathless and sweaty, with ghosts who constantly crossed his path. Shadows in the rain that he almost called out to.

The regret never really goes away. It was just... duller now. Just another scar to add to his heart. Just something else he needs to carry quietly.

But Eiji…

Just a week prior to Eiji knocking on his door, a letter had arrived in a plain white envelope with just Blanca’s name and a return New York address.

> _Blanca,_
> 
> _If you are reading this it means I have finally found you._
> 
> _It seems stupid to warn you like this, to give you the chance to disappear. But I believe in some way you haven’t forgotten about Ash. Sing told me how you helped them win that last fight._
> 
> _If you cared about Ash at all, you will wait until I arrive. I want you to show me the pain Ash suffered. I want you to tell me of Ash’s final words and to hear mine._
> 
> _You’re the only one that can._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Eiji Okumura_

It didn’t make sense. Why him?

Blanca still struggles with conflicting emotions as he watches the young man in front of him. More than anything, he doesn’t want to believe that the end of Ash’s life still has loose ends. It has been three years already. Three years to let that wound fester and heal.

But Eiji’s eyes tell Blanca there hasn’t been any healing.

The fan creaks loudly again. Eiji stares at his cup without drinking it, his eyes barely meeting Blanca’s.

Blanca finishes his tea in a single gulp, he has no time for this. When all was said and done, this was no longer his problem or responsibility. He’d offered Ash the chance to come with him. Offered him an escape from the world that killed him. Blanca no longer had time to or wanted to entertain Ash’s ghosts. “I think you need to leave. Go back to Japan like Ash wanted you to.”

Blanca expects the young man to get angry, to yell at him, to cry. But Eiji doesn’t even react. His expression remains unchanged—blank and devoid of life. He just stares at Blanca’s, unblinking. “Don’t you feel anything anymore? Or did it all die years ago, along with her?”

Blanca grips the edge of his chair. These days it took a lot to shake him. His past was something he protected more than anything, and it kept getting stolen from him over and over. “I know you met with Yue. He told you how to find me,” Blanca answers, steeling his features to a familiar stoniness.

“You were the hardest to find.” Eiji whispers into his cup. “And yes. I did meet with Yue. He told me everything I wanted to know.”

There was something cold about the words something that makes Blanca’s hairs stand on end. “Is Yue still alive?”

Eiji blinks, his lifeless eyes shining for the first time. “You think I murdered Yue?” His forehead wrinkles in thought. “You think I’m that capable?”

Blanca’s fingers twitch against the wood. It can’t be. Was this what Eiji meant when he mentioned final words? Was Eiji doing what Blanca never could and avenging the loss of someone he loved?

Still watching Eiji, Blanca reaches a hand into his pants pocket, drawing out his phone. Eiji still doesn’t move, just stares, watching, and waiting for something to happen.

Blanca dials the number by heart.

It rings once.

Twice.

Thrice.

“Do you know what fucking time it is?” A tired Yue complains on the other end. “This has to be an emergency. I thought you weren’t currently speaking to me.”

Blanca releases a breath. “Eiji Okumura is here.”

Silence. “Oh… yeah I told him where you lived. Good luck with that.” Yue hangs up.

Leaning back on the chair, Eiji lets his long hair trail down his shoulders. “You owe me this much.” He twiddles with the strands between his fingers as he meets Blanca’s gaze. “Do I look like him?”

“I don't owe you anything.” Blanca grits his teeth. “You shouldn’t have come here.”

Eiji doesn’t even blink. “Because you tried to kill me?”

“That was—”

“Because you failed to stop Yue before he tried to kill me?”

“You never belonged in that world.”

“It wasn’t your place to decide that.” The tone on Eiji’s voice finally changes. It’s heavy and laden with something Blanca knows too well.

It starts raining outside. The prickles of drops against the windows interrupt their conversation as Eiji’s attention gets caught by the soft noise.

“You have to go.”

“Why, Sergei?” The name escapes Eiji’s lips as a taunt.

The skin on the back of Blanca’s neck prickles instantly. It was too ingrained in him. An entire life protecting his identity. An entire life using her name. An entire life of trying to keep her from disappearing completely. Blanca reaches out without warning, grabbing Eiji’s shoulder and pushing him into the soft cushions of the couch. It creaks like it’s going to break. “What did he tell you? What do you know?” he threatens.

Eiji’s eyes show no fear. They show nothing. “Everything I wanted to know. He owed me too.”

Gritting his teeth, Blanca squeezes Eiji’s arms. “None of this will change anything.” He tightens his grip as hard as he can until he sees it in Eiji’s eyes. The pain. He doesn't want to hurt him, but if this is what will make him run back to the world he belonged to then so be it. “Your letter. You finding me here. It doesn’t fix anything.”

Eiji winces. “I know it doesn’t.” He bites his lips as a small pained groan escapes. “It’s impossible to fix it.”

“Then why bother?”

Eiji chuckles and it’s eerie. “You’re still terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. So big, wide, and— Ash told me about you after I rescued him. About his old teacher that told him power was all that mattered.”

“That’s not all I taught him. You will never understand.”

“That’s right. I don’t.” Eiji snaps, and for a second the emotionless mask fades. Hatred. Blanca finally sees it seeping through the corners of Eiji’s eyes along with the pain. He is hated. Hated from the bottom of Eji’s broken soul.

A flash of thunder breaks the dark of the night. Eiji pushes Blanca away from him hard enough to knock the larger man to the floor. “I’m not frightened of you.”

The wooden boards creak as Blanca collects himself from the floor. He looks up as Eiji stands over him and for a second he thinks the young man is gonna start throwing punches. Blanca decides he would let him. Eiji needed to release the anger inside him. Blanca understood all too well what that felt like.

He wanted to destroy everything after Natasha had been murdered. Wanted to hunt down anyone involved with her death. But doing so would have been the same as forfeiting his own life, and with him, what little of her remained in the world.

Eiji doesn’t strike. He bends down and straddles Blanca’s waist instead.

“Hey—” Blanca tenses from the contact. Watching as Eiji rolls his body upwards and looks down, his long hair falling in rivulets around his face. Blanca freezes for a moment and stares. One breath. Two. Until his scarred hands reach up and rub the soft strands between his fingers.

No words are spoken. Blanca’s chest rises and falls. Eiji moves—almost like he leans towards the touch—but not so. Blanca barely feels the weight of the younger man's body atop of his. Eiji’s eyes are still devoid of light. Almost as if searching. Waiting.

Blanca had seen eyes like that before. Many many times before.

Eiji takes a shivering breath. “Fuck me, please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter:  
> [Myka](https://twitter.com/mykafl)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the tags.

“What?”

Eiji ignores Blanca’s question and glances down as he rolls his hips again, slowly this time.

A small flare of heat ignites in Blanca’s groin and he can’t help but try to remember the last time he’d had a warm body on his bed.

Eiji’s fingers tease at the buttons of Blanca’s shirt. “I want you to fuck me.”

Blanca hesitates. His back is uncomfortable against the hard floor, and he’s well aware that it was best to push Eiji away. To kick him out into the night. He’s well aware. And yet he reaches up to Eiji’s waist, fingers pushing up on the fabric until there’s a touch of skin on skin.

A soft startled gasp escapes Eiji’s mouth, the surprise is clear in his eyes. Even after initiating everything, even after coming here and going through the trouble of finding him. They exchange looks for a second. Blanca waits for Eiji to realize what he’s doing and flee, but his eyes narrow instead, insistent, unwavering.

The moment ends, and Eiji places his fingers on the hem of his loose shirt, pulling it up and off in a slow, yet fluid movement.

Blanca’s eyes immediately fall on the scars marring the otherwise perfect skin. Eiji has the chest and shoulders of someone who was once an athlete. “You no longer jump,” he comments, not able to help himself.

“I’m not surprised you know that.” Eiji’s fingers reach down to the first of Blanca’s shirt buttons, popping it free. “Do you make it a rule of knowing the backgrounds of people you kill? What sort of life they had before you end it?”

“No.” Blanca’s thumb traces Eiji’s navel. “You were special.”

“Because I belonged to Ash?”

“Something like that.” A second button comes undone as Blanca finds the scar just below Eiji’s left rib.

“Did you think telling Ash to let me go, would help me escaped unscathed from your world?”

Blanca glances up. “Of course not—” He pauses, studying the ugly circled scar against Eiji’s pale skin. Deep and angry still as if it refused to heal.

“That one…” Eiji reaches to move Blanca’s fingers over the scar. “When Yue ordered me killed. The one you couldn't stop.”

“I tried—”

“The bullet tore through my intestine and perforated my stomach.” Eiji grabs Blanca’s wrist and leads his hand up his body. “These ones…” He presses Blanca’s fingertips on the small set of pale lines on upper chest. “When a dear friend tried to kill me under the influence of Banana Fish.”

Blanca’s eyes follow as Eiji guides their fingers across his own skin. He touches each mark gently, watching for the changes in Eiji’s eyes as he does so.

“How did you convince Yue to tell you where I was?” Blanca reaches for the marred skin again, brushing it gently with a knuckle. Eiji’s skin prickles from the touch.

“I told you. He owed me. And we’ve come to a somewhat peace.”

“You have?” Blanca is unsure how that could be true, but Yue was definitely alive, that much was certain.

Eiji moves his hand to a third scar on his right shoulder. “This one is yours. Your warning.”

Blanca’s presses hard, his fingers are no longer gentle on this scar. “I was wrong.”

“It was sort of cruel don't you think?” Eiji speaks listlessly. “You, who had left him, coming back and thinking you knew what was best for him. Shooting me without even knowing who I was, just because I meant something to him, so you could force him—”

Eiji’s voice trembles at the last word. Blanca can see his perfectly placed mask crumble at the corners, the reality of Eiji’s broken soul finally spilling.

“Let’s stop.” Blanca grabs Eiji’s waist and pushes him away.

“No!” Eiji’s voice flickers with anger. “You owe me this much.” It’s bitter and harsh. “I have no one else.”

“No one else for what?”

Eiji’s fingers sneak under Blanca’s half-open shirt and splay across Blanca’s chest. He shakes his head twice. “Please just fuck me. You owe me. If you had never shown up—” 

Blanca stills and watches as Eiji’s breaths become shaky. His fingers curl and his head falls forward, letting his long hair fall free. Blanca feels that impulse again, the warmth of another’s body so close. He’s missed it. Missed it a lot.

With a quick move Blanca rolls upwards, standing with practiced ease and loosening Eiji momentarily.

The young man panics. “No! You have to do it. I have no one else!”

Blanca grabs Eiji’s slim body and tosses the boy over his shoulder, making quick steps to his bedroom and throwing him on the bed.

Eiji watches him without saying another word as Blanca removes his shirt and climbs on the bed, towering over Eiji as a hunter would stalk prey. “If you want to be fucked, I will fuck you then.” Blanca closes the space between them, pressing his lips against Eiji’s, but keeping his eyes open, watching Eiji’s every breath. 

Instead of returning the intimacy though, Eiji turns away quickly. “No kissing,” he says. “Whores don’t deserve kisses.” He mumbles this in Japanese and tilts his head to the side, offering his neck instead. Blanca pauses, watching the pulse there for a second, knowing Eiji’s words were meant to be hidden from him in his native tongue. Blanca stays silent though, not telling Eiji that he’d understood, and licks at the offered skin, sucking deeply as his hand reaches down between them and finds the hem of Eiji’s pants.

“I’m going to take these off,” Blanca says. Ejji trembles slightly at the command, his fingers curling close to his chest. He reaches his hand into his pocket for a moment, grabbing something Blanca doesn’t see, and then moves just enough to raise his hips to let Blanca hook his thumb underneath the hems. Blanca rolls off Eiji’s pants and boxers, the fabric sliding down Eiji’s legs easily, before tossing them on the floor.

Eiji stops moving. His eyes stare straight at Blanca, but they are blank, completely emotionless–unseeing. His body remains still against the mattress, his hands curled into small fists against his chest, just waiting, just waiting, then…

“Here,” Eiji says, opening his hand and offering Blanca a small bottle of lube, the cap already removed.

The sound of rain becomes horribly loud against the wooden roof of the house.

Blanca almost asks where Eiji had hidden the bottle, but it didn’t matter, so he just takes it and squirts the gooey liquid over two fingers.

Eiji opens his legs without being asked and Blanca’s cock twitches at the sight, straining against his boxers. His wet fingers reach to touch just on the inside of Eiji’s thigh, slowly going further down, noticing the small flinch Eiji makes when he grazes his balls and finds the tight puckered hole.

“Is this your first time?”

“Don’t ask me questions,” Eiji bites out. “Please.”

“You’re not getting hard.”

“That doesn't matter.”

Blanca watches the resolve in Eiji’s eyes, but still moves away and breaks the contact. “This isn’t something I do. I don’t have sex with unwilling partners.”

“I’m not unwilling!” Eiji’s voice shakes. “I’m not running away.”

“Let’s stop.”

“I’m not telling you to stop!” Eiji jolts up, his hand reaching for Blanca’s against the mattress. “You owe me this much.” he repeats. “If you feel any remorse at all. If you feel even an ounce of guilt then you will do as I request and not ask questions.”

Blanca takes Eiji’s hand, his fingers pressing headily against his wrist, feeling the quick restless pulse hidden beneath. “You ask me to fuck you when you are clearly not interested. You’re heart is going a mile a minute, you are terrified and still ask this of me.”

“Yes I ask this of you!” Eiji’s shaking fingers curl and he tries to escape the hold. His eyes grow wet with desperate unshed tears. “I want you to fuck me. You owe me this much—”

Blanca pushes the smaller man down on the bed suddenly, fury rearing deep within. “I don’t owe you anything.” The words come out like a snarl. “You don’t even know who I am.”

“I know who you are.” Eiji bites the words out through his obvious anger and fear. “You are someone Ash feared. You are someone he trusted. Someone that betrayed him.” Eiji’s words turn into a cry of pain as Blanca digs fingers into his skin.

“You don’t know anything. You’re still that naive little boy, lost in a world you don’t belong—”

Eiji’s palm strikes Blanca’s cheek with force. “And you’re nothing but a coward that only cared about money and returned back to his little hiding place as soon as you could!”

Something inside Blanca snaps, he just can’t take it anymore. Eiji’s naked underneath him, beautiful but broken, and Blanca knows he will not stop until he gets what he wants. His fire is burning too bright and Blanca knows this fire all too well. The fire of a broken soul desperately holding onto a last shred of sanity.

The burn on Blanca’s cheek is sharp and quick when Eiji strikes him again and again. His cock twitches with each blow. Harder and harder and he just wants to shut Eiji up.

Blanca grabs both of Eiji’s legs and forcefully spreads them open to the point where he knows it will hurt. Eiji cries out and throws his head back as air leaves his lungs, his voice makes a low grunt as Blanca runs his tongue down his flaccid dick and into the cleft of his ass, finding the puckered hole.

Eiji cries out again and reaches to grab a fistful of Blanca’s hair as Blanca pushes his tongue inside. Eiji’s entire body trembles when Blanca tastes him, and his cock even gives a small twitch.

Blanca takes that as a sign to keep going and pushes on Eiji’s legs to a better position and pulls his tongue out. He pours more lube on his fingers and pushes them inside, stretching the little hole just a bit.

“Just do it.” Eiji pleads, fingers running over Blanca’s hair. “Please just do it.”

“If I don't prepare you, I am going to hurt you.”

“I don't care.” Eiji shakes his head. “I don't care. Please. Please. Please.” His voice becomes a desperate plea. “Please please.” It doesn’t cease. “Please. Please. Please.” It breaks. “I need to know. I need to know.”

Blanca takes the fingers out and moves quickly, reaching up and covering Eiji’s mouth. He moves above Eiji, the beast finally trapping its prey. He unzips his pants and slots himself between Eiji’s open legs, lining his engorged dick against the barely prepared hole.

“I think I finally know what you want.” Blanca says.

Eiji’s voice is muffled beneath his hand. His breath warm and heady, brown eyes glimmering, looking down between them. Blanca sees fear in them for the first time.

Eiji’s ass resists when Blanca starts to push in, the small puckered hole stretching slowly by force. Eiji cries out. His hands reach out to hold on to something, and find Blanca’s arms.

Blanca can tell by the way Eiji grips onto him that the pain is intense. That the he’d had no idea just how painful anal sex could be. He uncovers Eji’s mouth expecting the young man to tell him to stop, but Eiji just bites down hard on his lips. His sharp whimpers getting louder as Blanca keeps pushing inside him, deeper and deeper. His cock is being gripped like a vice as he forcibly stretches Eiji’s insides.

And Blanca feels the twist deep in his guts of horrible things he cannot take back. Horrible things seared into his heart and memory.

When Blanca hits the bottom and his cock is sheathed all inside Eiji he almost cums from the tightness alone.

“Use me.” Eiji says in a hushed whimpering cry. “Please use me.” And Blanca moves. Watching the skin of Eiji’s ass stretch as he pulls out and slams back in deeper and deeper with each thrust.

It isn’t a kind bonding. There is no love here. There’s not even lust.

“You can scream if you want.” Blancas says and grips Eiji’s waist tight to keep him in place as he fucks him hard. “No one will hear you.”

Eiji bites down. He bleeds. He doesn't scream.

Blanca leans forward and takes Eiji’s body into his arms. As close and tight as he can. It’s so small. So fragile. It forces memories he keeps distant. Makes him dig his hands into that long dark hair and press his nose unto the crook of Eiji’s neck, remembering at the last possible moment that he isn’t allowed to kiss. Eiji doesn't smell like white lotus nor jasmine. He smells like tea.

“I’m going to come inside you.” It’s the only warning Blanca gives the younger man before digging fingers into Eiji’s skin as he orgasms. Grunting and biting into Eiji’s shoulder, he resists the urge to take Eiji’s mouth as he ruts into him, cumming more and more inside him, losing himself in the sound of his beating heart and Eiji’s muffled cries.

When it’s over. Eiji’s body trembles and trembles, his dick flaccid and clean between his legs.

Blanca realizes that some part of him was hoping Eiji would eventually start enjoying this too. That Eiji’s irrational pleas to be fucked where somehow fueled by actual desire.

But they weren’t.

There was no desire here. There never had been.

Blanca gently lays Eiji back on the bed and pulls back. Eiji squirms and moans in pain as Blanca’s dick slides out of his ass. His hole is stretched and raw, a mix of cum and blood slowly dripping out.

The knot in Blanca stomach twists again unpleasantly, painfully, and regrettably. And as Eiji starts to cry, Blanca realizes too late that he’s made a terrible mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Twitter:  
> [Myka](https://twitter.com/mykafl)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried the entire time writing this. Tissues recommended.

Eiji cries and cries.

It’s a horrible desperate sound.

Blanca goes to the bathroom to get a couple of towels and soaks one in warm water before returning to Eiji’s side.

The boy has curled himself on the bed, head hidden against one of the pillows. His shoulders tremble with each body-shaking sob.

“I’m going to clean you up.” Blanca says out loud before gently running the wet towel over Eiji’s back and arms, then over his waist and down between— Eiji snaps and throws out his arm when Blanca tries to clean between his legs.

It’s an involuntary snap reaction to something unpleasant.

“I’m sorry,” Eiji mumbles and turns away again.

Blanca squeezes his eyes tight, then reaches for his boxers that were discarded at the end of the bed. He puts them on quickly, then moves back, sitting as close to Eiji as he dares. 

Eiji keeps crying.

“I should have stopped.” Blanca says finally. “This was rape.”

“I asked for it.” Eiji hides his voice into the pillow.

“You are clearly not in a state to make such a decision. I should have known better— Fuck… I can never take this back. Ash would—”

“Don’t say his name please!” Eiji cries out. “Not now.” He shakes his head. “Not now...”

“Ok… ok.” Blanca reaches out, then pulls back again, changing his mind. “Can I at least clean you up? I promise I won’t do anything else.”

Eiji gives a small nod.

Blanca goes slowly, careful where he touches. Watching every flinch and small movement that Eiji makes. He reaches down his body again, but this time Eiji willingly opens his legs. Blanca is super careful, telling Eiji everything as he does it. He wipes off the trickles of semen, careful around Eiji’s dick. Eiji jumps a little when Blanca cleans around his asshole.

“You should put some ointment… I’m pretty sure I tore you.”

Eiji makes a small movement. “He never went to the doctor when it happened.”

“You wanted to put yourself in a place Ash had been many times before.”

“I—”

“Let me finish. I am not saying what you did was wrong. I fully understand what _ I _ did was wrong. I didn't stop when I should have. You came here to get hurt and I was too in the moment to think properly.” He moves a stray hair away from Eiji’s eyes. “What happened cannot be taken back, but I am asking you if it makes you feel even remotely better.”

Eiji closes his eyes and takes a slow breath, moving away from Blanca’s touch. “No,” he whispers. “It feels empty. My body hurts. My heart hurts. I feel like I have gone crazy.”

“You have not gone crazy.” Blanca purses his lips.

“It’s been three years.” Eiji continues. “But I don’t feel time has passed at all. The world keeps going. Everyone around me moves on, but I don’t.” He sniffles. “I’m stuck.”

Blanca stays quiet for a minute. Just watching. He’d always liked the watching. Sometimes you could tell a lot about a person by simply watching them. Watching what they did. How they moved. What they said. He always watched before pulling the trigger. What they did in their last moments. The look in their eyes. He always watched.

“I can’t tell you how to grieve.” Blanca starts. “But I think everyone makes plans for the future. Even if we say we don’t. We all imagine our future. When Natasha was killed. It wasn’t only her that died but our future as well. The life we were going to have. The moments of happiness. The children we wanted. All of that died too. Everything changes.” Blanca closes his eyes for a second, seeing her there, smiling. “Ash was in the future you imagine was he not?”

Tears pool in Eiji’s eyes again. “I bought him a ticket to come to Japan. I was going to show him my home. I wanted to show him a world without violence. I wanted to make him try natto again and make him avocado salads and wake him up at noon. I wanted—”

Eiji starts to cry again and Blanca feels the urge to reach out, to comfort, but doesn’t. He can only wait for Eiji to release the sorrow in his soul little by little. This was a pain that couldn’t be forced out or forgotten. “The fridge is full. Milk, eggs, bread. Feel free to take whatever you want. The shared bathroom is just outside.”

Eiji gives the barest of nods before curling the sheets closer. Blanca stands and grabs the rest of his clothes from the floor. “If you need anything I will be on the second bedroom down the hall.”

Eiji pulls the sheets over his head and hides away.

Blanca leaves.

It’s ten in the morning when Blanca finally wakes, the bed sheets stuck to his skin from sweat, the sun forcing prickles on his arm from the window. He’d forgotten to turn on the fan and close the blinds.

The shower is cold and refreshing, but it feels like he’s washing away everything that happened last night. He can still feel Eiji on his skin, gripping his cock like a vice.

Fuck. Fuck.

Blanca turns the knob as cold as it can be and stands underneath it until all traces of his lingering need are gone.

The house is quiet as he makes his way to the kitchen. There’s no sign of Eiji having been there. Blanca opens the fridge and everything is still untouched.

“Shit.” Slamming the fridge closed, Blanca hurries to the main bedroom. Swearing at every step.

Regret after regret. That’s all he leaves behind.

Regret for not being there when the person he’d loved was killed. 

Regret for not nurturing when he had the chance.

Regret for not telling the people he cared about that he cared.

And there was nothing he was going to leave behind. Nothing except death and blood.

He opens the door expecting the worst, expecting the sight of blood and the smell of death.

Eiji lies on the bed unmoving, the sheets barely covering him, his skin pale as a ghost.

“Eiji!”

Blanca rushes to Eiji’s side and puts two fingers on Eiji’s neck searching for a pulse, but just touching him he knows Eiji is alive. 

He’s alive, his skin hot to the touch, clammy and wrong...

“Ash?” Eiji calls out, barely opening his eyes. Blanca grabs a towel and uses it to wipe the sweat from Eiji’s forehead. “You were here right?” Eiji’s voice is a hush among the fever. “I knew you were hiding. I knew you weren't dead…”

Blanca tries to cover Eiji’s naked body with the sheets. He needs to get some ice for the fever and some Tylenol.

“I’ll be right back,” he says as he stands, but Eiji grips his hand.

“No… Ash don't leave me again please.” He’s crying. “I never told you I loved you. You read the letter right? You read it?”

“Yes.” Blanca lies, wiping more sweat from Eiji’s brow. “I’ll be right back,” Blanca repeats and runs to get some ice. Some towels. Anything else someone running a high fever needs.

He accidentally drops the first batch of ice all over the floor and on his feet, and after five seconds of swearing, Blanca calls the local doctor to pay a home visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has drifted a bit since my original summary so not sure what will happen to Eiji.
> 
> Find me on Twitter:  
> [Myka](https://twitter.com/mykafl)


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